I made a discovery about myself today. The thing I seek almost more than any other thing, the thing that I Strive for, Work for, Yearn for, its not Approval, or Acceptance, or to "Fit In." Its not a Simple Task. Its not Changing This or That about myself to make other people Like me. My Goal, it seems, is to make people PROUD of me. I could name off person after person that I would want nothing more from them but for them to be PROUD of me. I want to look into their Eyes and KNOW and FEEL that they are PROUD of me, that they know that I Am Something and that i have Done Something worthy of them.
And the need to make them LOVE me. I know they do. I KNOW it. But I often reject that fact and do anything that I can to Make them Want to Love me more. So Much More. I Want them to Love me as Much as I LOVE them.
These are the things that make me Sick at night. That I lie awake thinking about. These are part of the reason I Write Letters like I do. I want them to Know that I LOVE them and that I SEEK their PRIDE in me, though I may not directly say it. I want them to put This or That Page up on their Cork board.
I want them to be PROUD of me. LOVE me. That's it.
About Me
- A Day
- i love things. and people. and doing things with people. i think that coffee is probably one of the more amazing things in life. right up there with camp. ahh camp.
3 comments:
we had that one conversation kind of about this once.
but i am exactly the same way, as you know.
it takes a lot for me to accept that someone loves me as much as i love him/her. i know they love me, but as much..?
i would do almost anything for the people i love. and sometimes it's hard to be sure they would for me, you know?
i want people to take pride in me.. to hear what i've done, good or astonishing or impressive, and just be proud of it. i can't explain it.
when at the same time i do think pride can be a really bad thing.
but maybe that's the thing about pride? to a certain extent, it's bad to take pride in yourself. but generally it builds others up to take pride in them.
and even really if you aren't too proud of yourself, it's not bad necessarily..
it's almost, pride becomes a bad thing when...
like.. when people are too proud to do something, like accept charity
it almost seems like that's because they don't know that anyone is proud of them. so they have to be proud of themselves. maybe?
we have talked about this before. and of course you feel the same way haha. remind me to come back and answer all your rhetorical questions later haha
rhetorical question answering time? hehe
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